The holiday season means time with family, but we understand these gatherings aren’t always full of sugar, spice, and everything nice. While a cliche, having the in-laws over and dealing with unwanted conversations is a common occurrence, but we’re here to help! We’ve compiled the best advice from experts all over the country to help you have the best holiday season possible. Whether you’re hosting Thanksgiving at your rental home in Sammamish, WA, are celebrating a night of Hannukah at your apartment in Cincinnati, OH, or having Christmas day in your Waldorf, MD home, we hope these tips help you to keep these festivities well, festive.
Acceptance
Election year or not, difficult topics and tensions can arise throughout the holidays. Our first recommendation to dealing with family over the holidays is to accept that differing opinions and unwanted comments are likely to present themselves.
“Family dynamics often bring up old patterns, and while we may hope things will go smoothly, that’s not always the reality,” says Colorado Therapy Collective Sara Haynes, LMFT. Although it is possible for conflict not to happen, it’s highly likely it will, so it’s better to be prepared. “Acknowledging this can be painful, often bringing up grief or difficult emotions, [but] show compassion toward yourself by creating space for these feelings, whether through journaling or talking with a therapist,” suggests Sara.
“Now, more than ever, it’s important to recognize that things are more polarized and sensitive, and we should be mindful of this during family gatherings,” adds Malaty Therapy’s Tammer Malaty, MS LPC-S. While it’s nice to believe that “You’ll never discuss these [polarizing] topics, [instead] try to approach them with flexibility, acknowledging that [these opinions] are part of many people’s lives,” continues Tammer. Recognizing this and practicing self-care is essential to get through these difficult and unwanted conversations to “avoid feeling drained and needing to recover once the holidays are over.”
Manage expectations
Once you’ve come to terms with the potential difficulties of the gathering, prepare by managing your expectations.
Start by “ask[ing] yourself if these are relationships you want to keep investing in long-term,” recommends Atlanta Therapy Wellness’ executive officer Britni Brown, LCSW. “If the answer is ‘yes’, managing your expectations will be your best friend for staying sane,” says Britni.
“If your guests have a history of exhibiting difficult behavior, don’t go into this holiday with the expectation that they will suddenly be different,” says Stacy Pellettieri of Right Path Counseling and Long Island Counseling Services. Instead, “Know who your guests are and set your expectations accordingly to manage your disappointment and frustration,” suggests Stacy.
Establish clear boundaries
Setting boundaries is a great way to not only prioritize your mental health, but also maintain healthy relationships with your loved ones.
Inclusive Counseling’s clinical director Laura Baker tells us to “prioritize your mental health and safety above societal expectations of family gatherings [and] protect your peace during the holidays by establishing clear boundaries [and] communicating assertively.” Although it can be difficult, setting boundaries allows you to protect yourself as well as foster mutual respect.
While it’s important to set boundaries with others, “learning to set boundaries with yourself is just as important,” says Thrive Counseling’s Jessica Taylor, LPC. After all, “You can’t pour from an empty cup. So as you start making plans and buying gifts, make sure that you are not saying ‘yes’ to more than you can handle,” reminds Jessica.
“Try to focus on yourself and what you need; for example, you may need to take time for yourself to recharge after taxing conversations and interactions. It’s normal to feel bad about prioritizing yourself, especially if you’re not used to it, but try to feel guilty while giving yourself this time and space.” Remember and trust in that fact that “You will be much more enjoyable to be around if you are taking care of yourself,” says Jessica.
Have a plan for dealing with family when conflicts arise
Acceptance, expectation management, and boundary setting make a great foundation, but what if tensions arise so much that you don’t know what to do? It’s a great idea to make a plan and have coping mechanisms in your toolkit in case things escalate.
Set intentions
Start the gathering on a good note by setting and deciding on a personal intention. “This simple mental shift can reduce the urge to rely on alcohol as a social or stress-management tool, helping you stay grounded,” says Denver Men’s Therapy’s Stephen Rodgers, LCSW. Your intention “could be something like ‘stay present,’ ‘find joy in the small moments,’ or focus on connection, not perfection,’” for example. Throughout the gathering make sure to “take brief moments to check in with yourself: notice your emotions, physical sensations, overall comfort, [and remind yourself of your intention]”, recommends Stephen.
Practice calming exercises
You may find your heart rate and stress levels high as “The holiday season can heighten stress, especially when family dynamics are complicated,” says Becca Kay M.A. LPC, chief operating officer at Improving Lives Counseling Services. If you do find yourself here trying to manage these difficult conversations, Becca recommends engaging in calming exercises. “As you prepare your home for guests or spend time in others’ homes, creating spaces where you can retreat for a moment of quiet [and engage in these exercises] can help maintain your emotional well-being during the holiday rush,” says Becca.
Focus on what’s shared
A great rule of thumb is “practice disengagement or diverting conversations away from you [as] conversations are bound to go off track at times,” says Jung Psych Services’ therapist Audrey Jung. “[W]hile we may not be able to control what others would like to talk about, we are in control over how we choose to respond,” notes Audrey. She suggests “politely asking to continue the conversation another time or diverting discussions to a new topic.” Consider choosing a shared topic to remind the group of your shared interests and similarities instead of focusing on the differences.
Another great option for dealing with family during the holidays is to “focus on shared activities that everyone enjoys,” recommends Skycloud Mental Health’s Madeline Jacobs, PMHNP. Consider playing a board game, watching the television, or singing carols to bring everyone back together. “The key is balancing connection with protecting your peace, so you can enjoy the holidays without getting drawn into unnecessary drama or conflict,” reminds Madeline.
Remove yourself if needed
If these tips aren’t working, remember that it is more than okay to remove yourself. “In dealing with family and friends over the holidays, have a safety plan to escape if needed, and make sure to take care of yourself,” says Margie Thomson, LCSW of Margie Thomson Counseling.
If it feels challenging to be honest about why you’re leaving the conversation, create a list of excuses to keep top of mind. Margie recommends“having a plan to remove yourself from a situation-whether it is a timed visit, walking the dog, getting to an important “work” call or taking a timeout in the restroom.”
Focus on the good
Remember that these are people you care about and try to focus on the good if possible. “When conversations get heated, especially around sensitive topics like politics, it’s important to remember that your relationship with the person matters more than winning an argument,” reminds Kansas Counseling Center’s Zachary Werhan, LCPC LMAC. “[R]emind yourself that maintaining a connection is more valuable than proving a point [and] focus on appreciating the person in front of you rather than the differences in opinion,” says Zachary.
“Practicing gratitude can also shift your mindset — focus on what you appreciate about your family, even in small ways,” says Dominique Thornton, LCSW, clinical director and therapist at Connected Therapy. Ultimately, try to “[R]emember you’re not responsible for fixing every conflict in one family gathering [and that] it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.”
