There are hundreds of quaint Texas towns, but Dallas isn’t one of them. If that’s the vibe you’re looking for head on over to Waco and rub elbows with Chip and Joanna and talk about shiplap or whatever.
This massive metroplex is for people who love big buildings and bustle with a side of Southern twang. Just ask the longtime locals, who may or may not have a drawl thicker than the Dallas summer heat.
Only Dallas natives know these facts to be true
1. Is that a church on the side of the highway? Or a concert amphitheater? Or a football stadium? If there’s a billboard out front featuring a guy with impossibly white teeth, it’s probably a church. It can be hard to tell sometimes.
2. Large Marge isn’t some lady your mom works with and High-5 isn’t nearly as cheerful an experience as the title would have you believe. Nope, they’re highway nicknames designed to take some of the unbelievable pain out of the Dallas rush hour by making it more whimsical. Don’t even get us started on the Central Distressway.
3. True Texas drawl can warp any old word to the point that it’s unrecognizable. Just ask anyone who lives in Deep Ellum.
4. The roadways were probably designed by drunk people. OK, maybe they weren’t drunk, but at the very least they were extremely tired people who were just so over it.
5. You should fully expect to get a ticket in the mail for accidentally driving on a tollway at some point without even realizing it. It’s a rite of passage.
6. At some point, someone will try to change your religion. Have a canned, but friendly, response ready. You may or may not get side-eye for being a heathen.
7. We can talk smack about Fort Worth, but outsiders can’t. It’s like a sibling relationship that way.
8. The same goes for Arlington, which is not Dallas. Even though the Dallas Cowboys play there. This is one of many things to do with the Cowboys that doesn’t make sense, but we love them anyway, so don’t even start. Yeah, we’re talking to you, Eagles fans. Just keep on moving.
9. But any Eagles fans who want to talk smack about the Redskins can pull up a chair. We are definitely here for that.
10. Speaking of the FW in DFW, it’s so close, but so far away.
11. There’s no more obnoxious fan than when the Cowboys are winning, and there’s no quieter fan than when they’re not. We make no apologies for the former.
12. The Dallas Arboretum rules all, in a gentle, flowery sort of way.
13. Dallas brisket will ruin you for all others.
14. Don’t even bring up Super Bowl XLV. That snow and ice storm was a fluke and we’re still bitter about the backlash.
15. Never leave unopened soda cans in your car during summer. It’ll turn into a very unfortunate and explosive science experiment.
16. In fact, you’d best trade the soda for water and Gatorade in the summer because oh, the humanity, the heat is beyond stifling. “But it’s a dry heat,” locals will tell you smugly. “At least it’s not humid, like Houston,” they’ll add.
17. But the so-called “winter” makes up for the fact that all your summer dress shirts have pit-stains. The only coat you’ll need will be more like a heavy sweatshirt. Sometimes, you’ll even wear a tank top underneath to be prepared for later that same day. Seriously, the winter is probably the best part of living in Dallas.
18. Our cheerleaders are better than yours and everyone knows it. They wear cowboy boots.
19. DFW is a tiny way to refer to an absolutely enormous airport that’s literally larger than Manhattan Island at more than 17,000 acres.
20. Other cities might think they’re better than Dallas, but did they invent the frozen margarita machine? No, they did not. Herego, not better. Not by a long (tequila) shot.
21. It’s not a freezer, it’s an icebox.
22. What the M-line Trolley lacks in speed and horsepower, it makes up for in delightful whimsy. At least, that’s what we tell ourselves when we watch pedestrians, ants and pigeons pass us by.
Big Tex agrees with these truths
But, do you? Let us know if you think we got something wrong or missed something in the comments!