29 Things Everyone From Portland Knows to Be True

Portland has become a nationally recognized place over the past decade or so, and everyone has their opinions on what they feel the culture is. But if you’ve been here long enough, you know which stereotypes aren’t accurate and what the truth really is.

Only real Portland locals know the following to be oh so true

1. You’re probably not actually from Portland.

2. Nobody honks their horns.

3. The dreaded Pacific Northwest rain is honestly more of a consistent mist and isn’t nearly as annoying as you might assume.

4. Thunderstorms are so rare that they essentially become a fascinating spectacle that everyone wanders outside to watch.

5. Everyone has been moving here for decades now, but remember, Portland didn’t stop being cool until AFTER you showed up. All these newbies are the real problem.

6. Voodoo Doughnut is an overrated tourist trap and you laugh whenever you see the obscene line. Same with Salt n’ Straw.

7. It’s Will-AM-ett, not Willem-Ette.

8. Someone you know — possibly you — is insufferably smug about Portland Soccer.

9. Four-way stops always result in nice-offs because everyone is too polite to properly follow traffic laws.

10. You’re required to complain about how bigger market teams get all the attention while the Blazers get unfairly ignored.

11. You have an absurd amount of pride in the airport, even after they removed the beloved carpet.

12. Riding the streetcar is a fun way to get somewhere at the same pace you can walk there.

13. The first warm, clear day of spring requires everyone to rush outside and bask in the sun like they’ve been liberated.

14. The first day over 80 degrees requires everyone to talk about how they miss the rain.

15. The mere threat of snow causes city-wide panic.

16. “Portlandia” is exaggerated but occasionally uncomfortably accurate. But you can’t admit that and you have to hate it.

17. You know the mystical Stone House in forest park that people love to hike to and take photos of was actually a bathroom.

18. You feel pressure to have a beard and get tattoos, even if you don’t want them.

19. Brunch is an all-day affair and you better commit to the wait.

20. If you drive out of Oregon, you reach a gas station and have a moment of panic when you realize you have to pump it yourself.

21. Driving any road that intersects with Sandy or Ladd’s Addition is a confusing nightmare.

22. You love how bike-friendly Portland is but why on earth do idiots keep biking on West Burnside, what is wrong with them, get out of the way, oh my god…

23. Crosswalks are a suggestion, you can saunter wherever you wish and cars just better pay attention.

24. You talk about how beautiful Oregon is but you’ve barely spent any time out of the Willamette Valley.

25. You’ve seen the fabled Portland unipiper going around enough times to no longer be amused by him.

26. It’s called the Rose Garden. If you call it the Moda Center you can get out.

27. You really wish McMenamins had better food, service and prices because they have such cool locations. Yet, you somehow keep ending up there.

28. Using an umbrella makes you weak, true residents just put their hoods up and shuffle faster.

29. You know you should really worry about the upcoming megaquake, but like, eh, everyone’s gotta go sometime. You’ve got too much delicious craft beer to drink.

Did we forget anything?

The great thing about Portland natives is that we’re proud of our city and its unique qualities. So, did we forget anything? Let us know in the comments!

Photo by Christopher Brown on Unsplash
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Dave RappoccioDave Rappoccio is an artist and writer based in Portland, Oregon. His work has been featured on ESPN, The Guardian, Bleacher Report, SB Nation, CNN and Uproxx. Most of his day is spent drawing illustrations and cartoons about football or hiking long distances in the mountains with his pup.

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